Drama

If I had to describe my ex with one word, it would be drama. He is exhausting and he drains me - how does someone try to run your life from over two thousand miles away... sigh. My daughter is the one good thing that came from that relationship - that and my growth. It is hard - honestly. I'm not a bitter person - and I firmly believe that it takes two individuals to make a relationship either work or fail... and even though we loved each other in the begining - we became toxic to each other... he fed of my low self esteem - and my lack of confidence regarding my beauty & appeal allowed him to manipulate me - to my detriment - for 8 long years...

Funny enough, achieving my professional goals helped give me the confidence to finally leave - in fact, one summer - summer of 2007 to be exact - changed my life forever...

I've decided to write about it - because this will allow me to heal - and more importantly, forgive myself for the years of idiocy that I allowed myself to go through... but honestly - the most relevant and significant reason is to be able to love wholeheartedly again - to trust and believe in my mate unwaveringly - and not feel like I am dealing with a court of law - where everything I do or say, can and will be held against me.

Progress

I am one of those weird people that reads previous entries in my diary - and am often far too busy to update it as often as I should - way too much floats around in this head of mine and since I have no artistic means of releasing these thoughts I should really write more often - but I digressed! I just read an entry that I posted to my diary 2 years ago around this exact time - and it dawned on me how much things can change and how much they stay the same.

I have grown alot. I am apparently, very good at accomplishing goals that I set for myself - as long as I do not get distracted by my love for others...

See - I was a victim (I so detest that word) of domestic violence... more verbal and emotional than physical - but I suffered from all three the same. For people who know me, this may shock them - I have a strong personality - am usually happy, positive and pleasant for the most part - and I go hard - so the lack of self esteem I had which allowed me to stay in such an unhealthy relationship for 8 years is an oxymoron to my general disposition...

so in looking back to January 2008 - the year I decided that if he couldn't improve and continued to be a bad influence on my children (far be it from me to do this for myself - smh) then I would leave - and comparing where I am now to where I was then... I thank God for progress!

Purpose

I am new to this whole blogging thing - something about posting your whole thoughts/feelings online in cyberspace for all to see is a bit erie - but i've been often told I have a story to tell (don't we all) and that I should share mine with the world - so here goes...



One of my many resolutions for 2010 is to be more comfortable with myself - and the best way to do that is to not have secrets - then no one will have anything "incriminating" to use against you. Thus said - I guess I will use this blog to post original thoughts, ideas, views, positions, poetry, lyrics - and whatever else strikes me at the time...



Then - maybe if I am brave enough - I will tell people where to find them ;-)