Love

There was a time when I thought that I knew what love was... I mean yes, I know what it is to love my parents, my friends and the love that I have for my children is unmatched... but to be "in love", to have someone touch your core... I never knew what a good feeling that could be until now. It is terrifying, truthfully - especially to a control freak... As a person who hates to lose control, one who despises being vulnerable, to love someone unconditionally - even when you believe that it is unrequited - that is a tough pill to swallow... yet here I am.

Another sleepless night, deep in thought - trying to pinpoint exactly when you went from my homegirl's friend to the man I think of when I first wake up in the morning and right before I go to bed at night... I trust you to not intentionally hurt me - and that's a first.

Don't get me wrong, I know that he is far from perfect - but then none of us are... but he is all that I asked for and more... that charisma, the attention he commands when he enters a room, the way he makes me laugh - even at myself, and the intellectual stimulation is like no other - I actually respect his thoughts... I love how he moves through life (albeit haphazardly at times), and how he handles his business - I even respect the way he deals with women... I may not like it, not at all - but I respect it... what I adore the most though is how he makes me feel. He sets my soul at ease. Never before in my life have I ever been more comfortable with someone of the opposite sex. Around him, I am 100% myself... and I really believe he accepts me for who I am... flaws and all. It's nice... and effortless.

He is my friend... and at this point in our friendship, there are no guarantees and a world of doubt... I don't know where we will end up - but I know he has forever changed how I look at love. Never before have I ever witnessed an emotion so powerful. I know that I will be his if he will have me - but only if I make him as happy as he makes me. If that is not the case, then I will gladly walk away - because I wish him nothing but happiness in this life, even if it is not with me.

That is true love - when you will do ANYTHING to ensure the others happiness... even at the expense of your own.

Growth

There comes a time when you realize how far you've come... and I am at that time in my life. I am truly happy with who I am, who I've become, and where I am going in this thing called life. I have come to realize that people enter your life for a reason - and whether they bring good or bad to you - they serve a purpose - even if you don't see it at the time. As long as you learn from them, something good came from the experience.

I grew up in New York. I wasn't born here - I am a Jamaican girl, born in Kingston, educated there until the tender age of 12, by Jamaican born and bred parents who are responsible for the values and morals that I possess that make me me. I attended high school in Cali - Los Angeles County - Inglewood, CA to be precise. That's where the street girl in me came of age - and where I survived and graduated from the school of hard knocks :-). Love the beach and the sunshine, but the heat makes people go ape shit in the summer - let me tell you. Then there's the A; Atlanta, where I ended up when the streets of Cali threatened to take me under - grossly misguided by the hype of the Olympics thinking it would be a nice change of pace - silly me; but Atlanta is where I learned just how hypocritical and judgemental people could be... so it was in my late 20's by the time that I ended up back in NY (random visits to grandma here and there don't count). So, how did I grow up there you ask?

I grew up in NY because NY is a place that people don't make excuses for who they are - they just are. You can't bullshit your way through - either you get in where you fit in, or you get rolled over - literally. It's the place where I was forced to take a long hard look at who I was - and I chose to change the negative things I didn't like - and enhance the things about me that made me great. In taking this position, in the short time of 5 years - the time it takes to get a college degree - I managed to survive, grow, and blossom in the concrete jungle - by being true to myself.

In today's day and age, when everyone is trying to keep up with the Joneses, no one likes who they think everyone else thinks they are, and most people are too busy trying to be something they're not in the name of "keeping it real" (hilarious - right?), authenticity is underrated. The beauty of NY is there are so many different kinds of people here that if you stop a while and look, you see the beauty in being different.

It is through my innate ability to be tolerant of others - and respectful of who they are, that I learned to love myself for who I was. It was at that moment, that I began to really grow up. I began to embrace my positives, and acknowledge and work to improve my negatives - leading me to be the individual that I am today. There is a sense of peace that you get when you stop trying to be who you're not, and embrace and accept who you are. It is quite beautiful. This is why I love NY - for not only providing many of the songs that are the soundtrack to my life, but for lifting the blinders and allowing me to see exactly who I am in all the flashing lights. I have grown into a formidable woman here in this concrete jungle - and for that, I am happy. I look forward to the next chapter in my life - and hopefully you'll all be along for the ride ;-).

Drama

If I had to describe my ex with one word, it would be drama. He is exhausting and he drains me - how does someone try to run your life from over two thousand miles away... sigh. My daughter is the one good thing that came from that relationship - that and my growth. It is hard - honestly. I'm not a bitter person - and I firmly believe that it takes two individuals to make a relationship either work or fail... and even though we loved each other in the begining - we became toxic to each other... he fed of my low self esteem - and my lack of confidence regarding my beauty & appeal allowed him to manipulate me - to my detriment - for 8 long years...

Funny enough, achieving my professional goals helped give me the confidence to finally leave - in fact, one summer - summer of 2007 to be exact - changed my life forever...

I've decided to write about it - because this will allow me to heal - and more importantly, forgive myself for the years of idiocy that I allowed myself to go through... but honestly - the most relevant and significant reason is to be able to love wholeheartedly again - to trust and believe in my mate unwaveringly - and not feel like I am dealing with a court of law - where everything I do or say, can and will be held against me.

Progress

I am one of those weird people that reads previous entries in my diary - and am often far too busy to update it as often as I should - way too much floats around in this head of mine and since I have no artistic means of releasing these thoughts I should really write more often - but I digressed! I just read an entry that I posted to my diary 2 years ago around this exact time - and it dawned on me how much things can change and how much they stay the same.

I have grown alot. I am apparently, very good at accomplishing goals that I set for myself - as long as I do not get distracted by my love for others...

See - I was a victim (I so detest that word) of domestic violence... more verbal and emotional than physical - but I suffered from all three the same. For people who know me, this may shock them - I have a strong personality - am usually happy, positive and pleasant for the most part - and I go hard - so the lack of self esteem I had which allowed me to stay in such an unhealthy relationship for 8 years is an oxymoron to my general disposition...

so in looking back to January 2008 - the year I decided that if he couldn't improve and continued to be a bad influence on my children (far be it from me to do this for myself - smh) then I would leave - and comparing where I am now to where I was then... I thank God for progress!

Purpose

I am new to this whole blogging thing - something about posting your whole thoughts/feelings online in cyberspace for all to see is a bit erie - but i've been often told I have a story to tell (don't we all) and that I should share mine with the world - so here goes...



One of my many resolutions for 2010 is to be more comfortable with myself - and the best way to do that is to not have secrets - then no one will have anything "incriminating" to use against you. Thus said - I guess I will use this blog to post original thoughts, ideas, views, positions, poetry, lyrics - and whatever else strikes me at the time...



Then - maybe if I am brave enough - I will tell people where to find them ;-)